


Emotionally Compromised

by IndividualistAndManiac



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 4+1, Boxing, Break Up, Clubbing, Emotional Spock (Star Trek), Fist Fight, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Jealous Spock (Star Trek), Jealousy, Jim is an idiot, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Spock/Nyota Uhura, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Original Female Character - Freeform, Possessive Spock (Star Trek), Spock Loves James T. Kirk, Spock and his suppressed feelings, Spock is Emotionally Compromised, Spock is an idiot too, Star Trek: AOS, T'hy'la, Vulcans don't lie, also this is not beta-d I'm so sorry, angry Vulcan, but I promise she's nice, or do they, pining jim, she has faith in Spock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:09:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29829570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndividualistAndManiac/pseuds/IndividualistAndManiac
Summary: 4 times *someone* is emotionally compromised, and 1 time it's definitely both Jim and Spock.(or: There's a new doctor on board. Spock is not having it.)
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 10
Kudos: 95





	Emotionally Compromised

**Author's Note:**

> I have absolutely no idea what this is. It's way too long and it got completely out of hand. I apologise.
> 
> This is probably set somewhere between Star Trek (2009) and Khan. Written for AOS but honestly, do whatever you want with it. It's a mess.
> 
> Thanks for reading, lovelies xxx

1.

There was a familiar buzz on the Bridge, a quiet indication that people were busy, working concentratedly. The first Alpha shift had just started – the first Alpha shift after the Enterprise had been forced to stay Earth-site for almost three months due to major repairs. Until now. The rest of the five-year mission finally laid ahead of them.

Jim had to force himself to a cool collectedness. Captain on the outside, excited eight-year-old on the inside. God, he loved his job. He loved his ship, he loved his crew, he loved that he got to be the one leading them, for them to trust him enough to do that.

He turned his head to the Science station. Spock had his back turned to him, engrossed in whatever he was already working on. God, Jim loved…

No. No chance. No chance Jim would let these thoughts keep creeping up on him, not again. Their first year as Captain and First Officer had been a complete internal crisis for Jim. Starting off hating each other, it had taken exactly a week and one (1) near death experience for him to be absolutely and devastatingly in love with Spock.

Spock, his First Officer. Spock, the Vulcan, who could turn his emotions on and off in the blink of an eye. Spock, who was in a committed relationship with Lieutenant Uhura, his Communications officer.

Jim groaned internally at the mess he had gotten himself into and turned his gaze away from Spock’s firm back and towards Sulu.

“Captain”, the helmsman addressed him immediately, “Ready when you are.”

Jim gave him an affirming nod.

“We will be another minute or two”, he replied curtly, anxiously checking the time once again.

“Captain”, he heard Spock’s voice from right behind him. Jim jumped. Jesus, this man had the sound level of a cat. “Respectfully – you seem to be waiting for something. The Enterprise has been ready to vacate the docking port for approximately three point four minutes now. I would –“

Jim didn’t catch what exactly Spock would or would not recommend, because, at the sound of the doors to the Bridge swishing open, his head snapped to his right and made the Vulcan shut up. Jim may have been surprised by that, wouldn’t he have been completely distracted by the person entering.

Dark short hair, curling softly around a very familiar face, clever brown eyes framed by small wrinkles that always came with the accompanying smile. She was shorter than Jim, slim but with broad shoulders. She still carried herself with the same attitude, proudly recked chin and a hint of the muscles in her shoulders that Jim knew were hidden beneath her clothes.

A shit-eating grin spread over his face as he jumped out of his chair and rounded his First Officer to get a better view of the woman who was immediately the centre of attention on the Bridge.

With an equally amused grin, she saluted.

“Captain”, she said. “Reporting for duty on the _USS Enterprise_.” Her accent was thick, very obviously British and so damn familiar it made Jim crack up. “It’s an honour to serve with you, Sir.”

He shook his head and threw his head back laughing, because damn right, it was about time.

“We’ll need to work on this whole British soldier crap you’ve got going on”, he just said and then pulled her into a crushing hug.

“A ship, Jim”, Anya wheezed as she clapped him on the back approvingly. “A _fucking_ ship.”

 _I know right?!,_ he wanted to say _. How crazy is that?_ But they let go of each other when Jim made out a shadow in his periphery. A Spock-shaped shadow. A Spock-shaped shadow that very uncourtly cleared his throat and hovered _right_ next to them. Uncomfortably close.

“Right”, Jim said, taking a step away from Anya, remembering that he was first and foremost Captain of this ship. “Everyone, this is Lieutenant Commander Anya Davies. She will be joining the crew as part of the Science department from today onwards. I’m expecting everyone to make her feel right at home on the _Enterprise_.”

He was met with several different reactions. There was a surprised murmur from his Officers underlying the sudden silence on the Bridge. When he turned his head to the left, he was met with a dark, almost confused pair of Vulcan eyes. Except Vulcans didn’t get confused.

“Captain”, Spock addressed him. “There was no mention of a new science officer. The Science department is very well stocked.”

“Yeah, it was kind of… a spontaneous thing, Spock. Sorry. Shouldn’t be a problem though, right? I assure you, she’s brilliant. She’ll fit right in.”

Spock wasn’t given the chance to reply. The doors swished open once again and gave sight of Bones, who for once didn’t look as grumpy as usual.

“I couldn’t believe it when he told me”, he huffed at Anya, “but here you are.” And then he pulled her into a hug and didn’t let go for a solid minute.

“Had to”, she laughed. “Wouldn’t miss Jimmy as Captain over my dead body.”

“Oh, you’re in for a treat, lemme tell you”, Bones replied and obviously didn’t care that they were surrounded by literally everyone. “I just hope this time he can go more than a week without getting himself killed.”

“Captain, you informed Dr McCoy?”, Spock asked and when Jim turned to him, he was met with a stoic, blank face and cool eyes. “May I remind you, as your First Officer, I rank above the doctor and should always be informed about personnel changes. At all times.”

Jim scrunched up his eyebrows, only half listening. Anya was throwing him one of her looks, already way too interested, eyeing Spock, his stiff demeanour and the way he so firmly stared at Jim.

“Yeah, as I said”, he clapped Spock on the shoulder once and was met with incredulous, unwavering eyes. “Kinda spontaneous.” Then he turned away from Spock. “Alright everyone, there’ll be more time to get to know each other later.” He nodded his chin at Anya and Bones. “Bones, get her down to the labs and show her around. I’ll come by later and check on the both of you.”

“Aye”, the doctor muttered, already rolling his eyes at Jim and putting a hand on Anya’s shoulder to lead her off the Bridge. “Telling ya, he’s loving it way too much ordering people around.”

“I’m not surprised”, Anya laughed, and the familiarity of that sound made Jim grin. It would be good, he told himself. She’d be here, and Bones, and his job would keep him busy – he could get over his silly little thing for Spock. No problem.

“Captain.” Or maybe it would be a problem. And quite a big one, judging by Spock’s steely eyes and the stiffness in his shoulders. “I would very much like to know your reasoning behind recruiting a new science officer.”

For the first time in a while, Jim turned to him fully, mustering up the courage to look into those dark eyes.

“She’s a shrink, Spock”, he sighed.

“A _shrink_ ”, Spock repeated in that voice of his.

“Yeah, you know”, Jim waved his hand. “A therapist. Whatever you wanna call it. She’s a doctor. And we can’t have enough doctors now, can we? Won’t do any harm having her on board.”

“We have Doctor McCoy.”

“Well, yeah, but he can’t deal with everything. There are almost six hundred crew members on this ship, it won’t hurt to have someone aboard who’s familiar with the minds and psyches across most species. She’ll be a great help.”

Now Spock almost looked like he swallowed one of Jim’s sour lemon drops. The Captain raised his eyebrows at his First Officer.

“Is there a problem, Commander?”, he asked, very aware that they were still on the Bridge, surrounded by very big-eared officers, and Spock was questioning his delegative decisions, _once again_.

“Captain –“, Spock started, and Jim was _aware_ that there was a problem, but he wasn’t having it. Not right now anyway. He had wanted a peaceful start to this mission, goddamnit!

“That was a rhetorical question, Commander”, he interrupted, glancing once more at Spock, who seemed as dissatisfied as Jim felt, and then turned his back on him. “Now, Sulu, how fast can you get us out of this dock?”

-

When Spock entered the mess hall, the first thing he noticed was the colour of the shirt Lieutenant Commander Davies was wearing. _Blue_.

She was sat at a table with Mr Scott, Ensign Chekov, Dr McCoy, Dr Chapel and Nyota, and next to the Captain, one hand on his arm and the head thrown back laughing at something he had said, and she was wearing blue.

Spock turned away and concentrated on getting himself dinner.

He was late, way past his usual time to have food, but he had taken an extra hour for meditation after Alpha shift had ended. He had felt particularly on edge today, turbulent emotions trying to push to his consciousness and wrongfully distracting him from his work.

After the Captain had introduced the new crew member, Spock had immediately sought out her files, acquainting himself with the dark-haired woman the Captain seemed so overly familiar with.

She was two years younger than the Captain, born in Great Britain, Europe, unmarried, and held an unusually high number of scientific degrees in the fields of xenopsychology, xenopsychiatrics and medicine from several renowned institutions, and Spock had found himself agreeing with Captain Kirk that her presence on the Enterprise would be somewhat of assistance. He had found no mention of Jim himself in her files, but there had been notions of similar schools in higher education and the logical conclusion was that they had met approximately five years ago during their time at either UC-Berkeley or UCLA. Perhaps both.

But still. There was no logical explanation for why he would first notice the colour of Lieutenant Commander Davies’ shirt.

When he set his tray down on the table and seated himself next to Nyota, Spock had trouble making out what the ongoing conversation was about.

“…ya don’ sound western far as I can tell tho”, Mr Scott called out in a very thick Scottish accent. It was heavier than usual, seemingly triggered by the opposing accent of his fellow countryman. “Ya’ sound too posh for ma likin’”, he laughed loudly, pointing his spoon at Davies.

“What can I say, Preston girl, born and raised.” The woman just shrugged her shoulders and grinned, baring her white teeth at him. “Although I went to the Academy in London, so that’s probably where I got the accent.”

“But if you went to the Academy in London”, Ensign Chekov asked, “where did you meet the Keptin?”

Spock observed how Davies turned her head to Jim, the eyes locked onto the Captain in an intimate, familiar gaze. She laughed loudly once again, the brown eyes sparkling with emotions that Spock chose to ignore. He turned his eyes back to his plate.

“Well...”, Davies started, but the Captain loudly cleared his throat in an attempt to stop her from continuing the report of their first meeting. “That’s classified information, Chekov”, he grumbled and somewhat dissatisfied, Spock lifted his eyebrows at his words.

“Was it not during your time at UC-Berkeley or UCLA, Captain?”, he asked. “I hardly believe this information to be classified. I assumed you met Lieutenant Commander Davies during one of your extracurricular activities during your time at the Academy.”

For a moment, he was surrounded by silence. He felt the glances of his colleagues on him, but just took another spoonful of his _Pok tar_.

Davies cleared her throat.

“That’s right”, she said. “I was in California as part of a research exchange programme and met him at Berkeley. Was hard to miss him, with that ego and that smile.”

And just like that, everyone was laughing again.

“It was hard to miss _you_ , with that accent and that umbrella!”, Jim countered.

“When you grow up in Britain, that’s one thing that’s in your blood, Jim”, she laughed. “Always take an umbrella with you! Warp or not, we never got rid of that part of our culture.”

“The weather conditions in certain Terran areas are caused by varying precipitation patterns in the atmosphere, Doctor. They can not be influenced by such man-made concepts such as enculturation or socialisation.”

Another beat of silence.

“Oh, for God’s sake”, Bones muttered.

“You’re absolutely right, Mr Spock”, Davies just said, eyeing first Jim and then Spock from the side with not an offended, but a curious expression. “Stupid mistake on my end. Although I have to admit that there is something somewhat cultural to the rain at home. Almost like a national treasure. Except it’s not _actually_ treasured, and more hated.”

Spock was about to explain again, that one thing could hardly be connected to the other, not in a scientific way, but the Captain didn’t give him the chance.

“Alright”, he said loudly, slapping the top of his thighs. “Anya, I’ll show you your quarters. And the rest of the ship.”

“I already gave her the tour, kid”, Bones muttered. “Covered pretty much all of the decks earlier.”

“If you find time to do that, why are you always whining to me about being way too busy down there?”, Jim asked accusingly.

“Well, if it wasn’t for you showing up half dead every few days, I’d have half the workload, lemme tell you!”

“Okay, okay”, Davies laughed brightly. “Before this gets out of hand, Jimmy, show me your ship. I swear I’ve already forgotten half of what Bones told me. It’s also way more fun to listen to _you_ boasting about a tin can.”

“She is _not_ a tin can!”

“Yeah, whatever”, Davies replied, patting Jim on the back reassuringly, as they made their way out of the mess hall.

2.

Anya leaned closely over Scotty’s shoulder, watching with interest how his fingers quickly flew over button after button, eyes fixed on three screens at the same time, monitoring God knew what.

“Captain, I’mma need a few more minutes, can’t beam ya down just yet, there’s too much goin’ on down there!”, he shouted loud enough for Jim to hear, who was standing in the middle of the Transporter room on one of the beams.

There was a beat of awkward silence as everyone observed Uhura stepping up to the small platform. Spock, who was standing two beams down from Jim, kept his face blank and unmoving when her hands came up to him in a caressing gesture, pulling the Vulcan into a kiss.

It was the same every time, Anya had come to notice. Spock and Jim, or Spock as part of the away team, Spock with his science officers – it didn’t matter who he was with, Uhura made her way into the transporter room every single time he was about to beam off the _Enterprise_.

And every time, Jim would keep his face carefully neutral, his gaze diverted in the opposite direction. It was painful to watch, especially knowing Jim and his many facial expressions. The man was an open book, wearing his heart on his sleeve most of the time, always walking around with some sort of attitude blatantly obvious on his features.

Spock and Uhura, however, seemed to sober him up, wiping the toothy grin from his face and replacing it with something carefully selected and rehearsed; a look only those knowing real heartache would recognise for what it was.

Anya crossed the distance between Scotty’s console and Jim, giving him a gentle smile. His right eyebrow twitched at her expression, he knew what she was thinking, but both of them made a point of paying no attention to Spock and Uhura quietly making out right next to them.

“I think Bones would appreciate if you’d come back at least half alive this time”, Anya said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Jim rolled his eyes in mock annoyance.

“I’m not dead yet, am I”, he shot back, and the strained sigh in his voice told her that he was grateful for the distraction.

“No need to go looking for it, Jimmy”, she grinned, reaching for his arm and gently squeezing his elbow, leaving her hand to rest there for a few moments.

“Aye Captain, we’re ready!”, Scotty shouted from the back.

Jim nodded at him, demeanour more Captain-like now, and Anya brushed his arm once more, before stepping back. “Stay safe, Captain”, she said, holding Jim’s gaze.

When they slowly materialised, there was no sign of Uhura anymore. The communications officer must have left a few minutes ago.

-

“So, Spock huh?”

For a moment, Jim was caught off guard by the question and the badly hidden teasing undertone in Anya’s words. But only for a split second. Then he went in for another strike that was easily parried by her.

“What about him?”

Anya didn’t miss a step, didn’t even bat an eyelid when she extended her arm and managed to connect her fist to his solar plexus. Jim huffed but shook it off, steadying his fists in front of his face.

“Oh, come on, don’t give me that crap”, Anya said, punching her left hand forward and twisting her knuckles upwards, only to barely brush his shoulder with the bandages covering her fingers. Jim saw that one coming. “I know that you know that I know.”

Jim landed a solid punch to her neck, and she chuckled breathlessly, backing off a few inches, adjusting her footing.

“That bad, huh?”

Jim nodded his chin at her. “Your cover is crap”, he said. “You’re slacking.”

She managed to surprise him with a mean right backhand to his cheekbone.

“Not ready to talk about it, hm? Fine by me, Jimmy. We’ve got four more years in space in a tin can.”

“She’s _not_ a tin can”, Jim huffed, mocking annoyance when in reality, his lips curled up into an amused grin. It really was good to have her here. Even though he really wished she wouldn’t be so damn observant all the time. Especially when it came to his First Officer.

“Must say though”, she panted when she barely avoided his right fist colliding with her ear. “He’s…”

He shoved his fist forward again, pushing it into her collarbone and extracting a surprised wheeze from her lungs.

“Don’t”, he just said, searching for her eyes. “I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t wanna hear it.”

She paused for a millisecond.

“Okay”, she said, shielding her face behind her raised fists again, going in for another punch to his solar plexus, except…

Her fist didn’t collide with Jim’s body, but with something way harder, way more muscular. Anya huffed in surprised shock when she was shoved backwards, away from Jim and their little self-made boxing ring (a mat). She stumbled backwards, trying to regain her balance, eyes searching for whatever had brushed her so rudely to the side while holding her curled fist protectively to her chest.

“Are you alright, Captain?”

And there stood Spock, _of all people_ , in front of Jim, his back stiff and straight as an arrow, and obviously ready to fight off everyone who even considered coming close to hurting his Captain. Anya felt like laughing.

“What are you doing, Spock?!”, Jim asked in disbelief, his eyes flying from the Vulcan to his friend and back. “An, you alright?”

Jim rounded Spock, wiping the sweat off his forward with the bandages around one of his fists and shaking his head at the Commander as he approached the woman who was still clutching her fist to her chest.

“I’m okay”, she huffed, eyes fixed on Spock with an amused glint, who seemingly wanted to follow his Captain, or maybe just hold him back from coming near her. Jim gently took her hand into his despite her protest, inspecting her for possible injuries, but she pulled her wrist from his touch and gave him an urging look. “I’ll be fine”, she repeated.

“Spock, what were you doing?!”

Jim had turned to face the man who still stood on the mat unmovingly and who was now carefully observing the scene.

“I came to inform you about an accident in the engine bay when I saw Lieutenant Commander Davies raising her fists at you. She seemed quite intent to hurt you, Captain, so I decided it would be best for me to step in and… keep that from happening.”

There was a moment of complete silence hanging between them. Jim stared at Spock, who stared back as insistently.

“We were _boxing_ , Spock”, Jim exclaimed, throwing his arms out.

“Boxing?”, Spock repeated, and Jim was almost sure to have caught a glimpse of irritation in his dark eyes. “In your quarters?”

“Well, yeah…” Jim pointed weakly to the mat on the ground that Spock was still standing on, and the Vulcan now shifted to the side, removing himself from the blue rubber material.

“Captain, may I inform you that there is a perfectly sufficient gym located on C Deck, which can and should be used for all forms of physical exercise and –“

“I _know_ that there’s a gym, Spock, it’s _my_ ship, okay?”, Jim exclaimed almost desperately, and Anya couldn’t hold back the snorted laugh any longer.

Spock did not pay her any attention.

“Then why are you… boxing… in your quarters, Captain?”

Jim didn’t really know what to say to that. He stared at the Vulcan, blinked in disbelief at the ridiculousness of the situation, and then sighed.

“This is… our thing… It’s just… what we do”, he tried to explain, making a broad gesture around the room, fighting the urge to roll his eyes at Spock and then kiss him senseless. For someone so brilliant he sure as hell could be incredibly thick sometimes.

“Your… thing?”, the Vulcan repeated his words and had obviously no idea what Jim was referring to. Or maybe he just wanted to make him suffer by pretending to understand only 25% of the words Jim was saying. He had a feeling Spock sometimes used him as his own personal entertainment. In a very Vulcanesque kinda way.

“You said there was an accident?”, he asked, letting this whole situation slide because he did not have it in him right now to have a lengthy discussion with Spock in front of Anya.

“Yes”, the Vulcan nodded, showing no signs of pondering the matter any further. “Two Ensigns caught fire during maintenance. They are currently with Doctor McCoy, but I assumed you would like to be made aware of the matter immediately.”

“They caught fire during maintenance?” Jim grimaced. “What the hell are they doing down there?”

“I believe Mr Scott would be able to answer that question to its full extend, although I might advise against asking. Sometimes not knowing proves to be very beneficial to the peace of the mind, Captain.”

And Jim was sure that there were the edges of a smirk on Spock’s lips. He snorted.

“The peace of the mind, huh? Have you meditated today, Spock?”

“Affirmative.”

Jim sighed and ran a hand through his hair, then he began to remove the white bandages from around his fists. He turned to Anya, who was leaning against the nearest wall, water bottle in hand, observing the two men and their interaction quietly. There was something in her eyes, a knowing glint, that Jim didn’t like.

“Captain-duties”, he said apologetically, and she merely nodded at him.

“Go”, she said. “My shift starts in an hour anyway. I’ll see you for dinner.”

“Let Bones have a look at that hand!”

3.

The music that vibrated through the air was loud and Spock was not able to make out a clear rhythm. He was sat at a small table next to Nyota, legs and feet tucked uncomfortably tight to his body to make up for the small space.

It was illogical for him to be here. He gained nothing from sitting in a disclosed, badly ventilated room full of shoving bodies that rubbed all kinds of bodily fluids against each other in an attempt to what they declared to be dancing. The alcohol that was being consumed by almost everyone surrounding him had little to no effect on him, hence why he had yet to drink anything other than water from a questionably stained glass. He was sensitive to the sudden light changes, to the colours that tinted the dancing crowd in all kinds of different colours, and he did not understand why everyone screamed excitedly when a song about an underaged Terran girl dancing to the beat of an ancient one-headed drum with loose metallic disks at the sides came on. The questionable choice in ancient music - pre-warp music - was something he could only stand every once in a while, but tonight he found it especially hard to bear.

And still. He had no intention of leaving the establishment after only one hour and thirty-seven minutes standard time.

The shoving and grinding of the bodies on the dance floor reminded him a lot of animalistic mating rituals, and over the past hour, he had found very little evidence to distinguish the two.

His hypothesis was supported once again when another female approached the Captain, the fourth in the past forty-two point six minutes. She was Orion with the exact body type Spock knew the Captain preferred in partners he normally pursued intercourse with.

Jim, of course, reacted in his usual flirtatious manner to his suitor. A smile, flashing his white teeth in an easy grin and scanning her body appreciatively, it was not long until he turned fully to her, letting her body grind close to his, stretching his arms into the air and pumping his fist rhythmically to the beat of the current song and the flashing lights.

And once again, the Captain’s interest was taken off the woman clinging to him by Lieutenant Commander Davies, who threw her head back laughing, the cheeks tinged pink and stretched into a wide grin fuelled by alcohol and flailed her limbs between the Captain and the Orion woman in an attempt to conceal it as dancing. Spock, of course, could only suspect. But he had observed this same pattern over the past forty-three point three minutes, with four potential female suitors. She had made all of them leave, herself engaging the Captain in very close physical contact every time.

And yet, this time was different. This time, she stood closely before him, leaning up to his ear. Spock was unsure if Jim’s cheeks tinged in a light shade of red due to her words, or due to the change of lightning, but one or the other, he took her hand into his and turned away from the dance floor, pulling Davies along. Shortly before they came out of sight, Spock observed how Davies grinned at Doctor McCoy, pressing her half-full drink into his hand.

“Spock.” Nyota’s voice made his head snap in her direction. Her eyes laid on him, studying him in a way he was not sure he liked.

“Yes?”

“What are you looking at?”

“I am merely observing the illogical ways of… human courting”, he replied, and the words sounded dry, even to his Vulcan ears. He cleared his throat. “While I enjoy your company, Nyota, you do not have to sit with me if you wish to accompany the others on the dance floor.”

She had been sitting here with him ever since they arrived. But she just smiled at him, reaching over with one hand to touch his arm.

“I want to sit here with you.”

Spock did not flinch. He tensed.

-

It was their first shore leave in almost four months and Jim had been dying to get his hands on a drink that had at least 75% alcohol in it. They were on Pacifica for only a few days and he, Anya and Bones had been planning to go out, get drunk and shake things up a bit, just like old times. There was supposed to be a club playing nothing but music from home, good old tunes, some even pre-warp, and Jim had been excited for it for weeks.

Except that Bones had managed to somehow invite Chekov, who then had invited Sulu, who had in turn invited Scotty, and Scotty – Scotty had invited half the Engineering team to come along, _plus_ Uhura, who _of course_ had brought Spock. And now here he was, in a club packed to the brim with people, surrounded by half his damn crew, feeling Spock’s disappointed eyes intensely boring into his back every time he so much as moved.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He had wanted an easy out, some time alone with his friends, no Captain duties, no crew, no damn _Spock_ anywhere near him! This was supposed to be his getaway, damn it!

But he sure as hell would not let Spock’s or anyone else’s presence take this well-deserved break away from him. They had been here for – what? About two hours now? – and he still wasn’t drunk enough for his brain to forget his First Officer’s damn name.

He felt an arm sneak around his waist and turned to find a gorgeous Orion woman clinging to him, flicking her hair back and batting her long eyelashes at him in a way that made completely obvious what she wanted. Jim wasn’t averse to that at all. He could do with some sexual release and rather sooner than later. It had been too long.

But before he could show the girl that he was really appreciating her advances he felt a slight pull and then a body was shoving itself between them.

He raised his eyebrows at Anya, confused as if to ask _Really? Again?_ The Orion girl just huffed and turned on her heels, taking off in the opposite direction.

Anya rolled her eyes at his face, took another sip from her drink and leaned up to his ear so he could hear her over the music.

“You should thank me”, she laughed. “If the Vulcan’s death stare is anything to go by, I’m doing you a favour here. If you want to have any realistic chance of dating Spock in the near future, you should refrain from fucking around, Jim.” He felt his blood freeze in his veins and despite his best efforts, his cheeks warmed at her words. She laughed, then she leaned up to him again, whispering: “Plus, if I can’t have any, you can’t have any either. In solidarity.”

It took him less than a second to grip her arm and pull her off the dancefloor and outside of the crowded club.

She laughed.

“What? Did you really expect me to let you fuck around like usual with Spock looking like that in there?”

“Shhh”, Jim tried to shut her up, hastily pulling her away from the doors and to the side where it was a little quieter. “You can’t just… go around and say this stuff out loud!”, he clamoured. “No one knows! Not even Bones, okay?”

“Oh, believe me, Bones knows”, Anya snorted, moving away from him towards the white beach that was only a few hundred feet away from the promenade.

“He knows, but he doesn’t”, Jim replied, on the lookout for crew members who might overhear them. “He knows that I know that he knows and that’s why we don’t talk about it. He doesn’t _know_.”

“Jesus, Jim. It could have been worse than Spock, okay? Stop freaking out.”

“Really?”, the blond deadpanned. “How?” He followed her onto the white sand, his feet almost immediately sinking in. “How could it have been worse than my First Officer? A Vulcan? Who’s already in a committed relationship? How?”

Anya eyed him from the side for a second.

“Yeah, you’re right, it’s pretty bad.”

Jim just snorted. “I don’t know how this happened.”

He could feel her hand sliding up his arm and pressing into his shoulder.

“I can see why you like him”, she said. “He’s charming.”

“Charming? _Really?_ Spock, of all people?”

“Well, yeah”, she laughed. “He’s nice to you. And he makes you laugh, even when the rest of us have no idea what you guys are on about. He always makes sure you’re okay and safe. Sounds pretty charming to me.”

Jim looked out onto the deep blue ocean, a field of only water and water, stretching endlessly until the horizon. Pacifica was beautiful. It was their first time here, but Spock had told him about the planet; that its surface was 93% water and that the aquatic civilisation inhabiting the planet, the Selkies, had only recently agreed to join the Federation.

“He’s with Uhura.”

“Yeah.” There was a beat of silence between them. Then: “Want to hear my very professional but slightly unpopular opinion on the matter?”

Jim raised his eyebrows at Anya expectantly because she would tell him anyway, no matter his answer to that.

“They’re not going to last, Jim. I don’t think they’re a great match.”

“He’s Vulcan. There is literally no human closer to a Vulcan than Uhura. They’re perfect for each other. Plus, we started off hating each other. I’m pretty sure he’s still not over me beating his little test.” There was a somewhat proud grin on Jim’s face at the memory of Spock internally fuming when Jim had beaten the Kobayashi Maru test (with a little help from his friends).

“What makes you think he wants to be with a Vulcan?” She had her psychiatrist voice on, and Jim threw her an annoyed glance.

“What?”, she asked, shrugging innocently. “He seems _utterly_ bored if you ask me.”

“But I’m not asking you”, Jim said. “In fact, I haven’t asked you _once_ about this whole thing and here you are, trying to _encourage_ me.”

“What, are you trying to tell me that you did not request me to join your crew for your personal gain and benefit only? Whatever would your precious _Enterprise_ need a psychiatrist for, Jimmy, if it wasn’t for your various little life problems?”

“I did it for you!”, he grinned brightly, arms spreading widely as he walked backwards. “To give you the opportunity to broaden your horizons! New people, new planets, new research! Don’t tell me you don’t love it!”

“Of course I love it, you idiot”, she laughed, batting his snapping fingers away from her face. “I’m just saying there’s more to this than you’re letting on and it’s my job to make sure you’re mentally stable enough to do your job. Which, by the way, I’m not one-hundred per cent sure about at the minute because you seem to have a death wish or two going by the rate you’re trying to get yourself killed on every single mission.”

“Don’t be so dramatic”, Jim smirked. “The ship needs me. Plus, Spock is there to save my ass.”

“My point exactly.”

4.

Jim wasn’t sure how it happened. Everything had been fine until suddenly it… hadn’t been fine anymore. Now his First Officer was grounded to his quarters, his only therapist on board was being treated in Medbay, and his Communication Officer was too shaken up to be of any use for the rest of her shift.

What the… fuck.

-

“Uhura!”

The woman’s stride slowed down enough that she managed to look over her shoulder and recognise Anya, who rushed after her, clearly with the intention to talk to her.

“Yes?” She merely lifted her eyebrows as she came to a halt a few yards before the doors leading onto the Bridge.

“Ah, brilliant!”, Anya panted heavily when she reached her, indicating that she must have been following her for quite a while to be this out of breath. “I’ve been trying to reach you for weeks, must’ve sent you about a dozen invites by now.”

Uhura lifted her eyebrows, unimpressed. “Invitations?”

“Yes”, the dark-haired woman said, straightening her shoulders now. “Quarterly psych evaluation. It’s mandatory. Most of the crew has already come to see me, it’s just you and Spock I’ve been waiting for.”

“Oh”, Uhura made and sounded even more clipped than usual now. “Yes. I don’t need a psych evaluation.”

And with that, she turned away.

“Lieutenant”, Anya addressed her again, more official now. “It’s mandatory, I’m sure you are aware. Starfleet regulations.”

“Oh, believe me”, Uhura hissed. “I am very aware of Starfleet regulations.” She lifted her eyebrows at Anya. “Are you?”

Anya’s mouth pulled into a thin line and unconsciously, she straightened her back to appear taller.

“Excuse me? Is there anything you’d like to discuss, Lieutenant Uhura?”

Uhura was only a few inches shorter than Davies, but her confidence, the slicked-back hair and the determination in her eyes made her almost appear taller. Her posture stiffened as she crossed her arms in front of her chest, and her eyes narrowed at the woman in front of her.

“There is nothing, I would particularly _like_ to address, Lieutenant Commander, but maybe you should.”

“I’m not going to let you waste my time with imprudent implications, Lieutenant”, Anya said, sternly. She wondered what exactly it was they were talking about here, but she would not let Uhura talk to her like that. “Get it off your chest or don’t. Either way, I expect you in my office for your psychological evaluation today at 2000.”

“There are rumours, you know?” Uhura said, and Anya furrowed her eyebrows. “About your… indecency with the Captain. The crew is talking. Maybe you’d like to address _that_.”

For a moment, Anya felt like laughing. A second later, she felt like she wanted to cry. She should have known that something like this would happen sooner or later.

“What exactly are you implying here, Uhura?”, she asked, her voice level even though she was fuming at the woman’s audacity.

“I’m not _implying_ anything. It’s pretty obvious. If you wanted to keep it a secret, you should’ve tried a bit harder. Everybody knows. And everybody knows about Starfleet regulations, too.”

Davies pursed her lips. “Is that so?”, she asked. “Enlighten me.”

“I doubt that you are unaware of the fact that no one is allowed to engage in romantic relationships with superiors in their direct chain of command.”

“Are you suggesting that I am going against regulations by engaging in an intimate relationship with the Captain?”

Uhura stared at her, her eyes suddenly fierce. She didn’t seem to like having to bite her tongue. Even though Anya was merely a doctor on this ship, she was still her superior in the chain of command.

“First of all”, Anya hissed, coming half a step closer, seemingly losing her patience. “You have _no_ idea about Jim, or about me, and I can assure you that he will not tolerate his officers spreading false and deceptive rumours without _any_ reason or substance to them. And neither will I. I can assure you, Lieutenant Uhura, that Jim and I have been close ever since Berkeley – not that that would be _any_ of your business. But for you to go around and make implications about our personal lives is out of line and disrespectful.”

Uhura seemed to want to open her mouth but Anya cut her off with a stern gesture.

“Second of all”, she stated. “Let me remind you of _your_ relationship. The fact that you have been less than private about your personal investment with Spock tells me that you yourself seem to not care about Starfleet regulations all that much, or am I incorrect in assuming that Commander Spock is indeed _your_ superior?”

Uhura pressed her lips together tightly, making her bottom lip almost completely disappear. She looked wound up, her back straight as an arrow, her arms tightly crossed in front of her chest.

“I do not expect an answer to that”, Davies said. There was an angry strand of hair falling into her face. She looked quite young like this, Uhura thought. She didn’t know her exact age, but she couldn’t be any older than Jim. “What I expect from you is that you show up for your psychological evaluation tonight so I can clear you for duty.”

“ _Clear_ me for duty?” Uhura’s eyebrows shot up in exasperation.

“Yes. Until further assessed, you are relieved from duty as of right now.”

Uhura was fuming when she made an angry step towards the woman. Anya’s face showed no sign of emotion anymore, no anger, no nothing, just a blank canvas. Uhura’s finger went up accusingly.

“You have no case here!”, she hissed, all of a sudden all up in Anya’s face. Automatically, Anya’s hands shot up in defence, ready to push the other woman off. “You have _no right_ to keep me from duty, I –“

Everything happened at once.

Uhura took another step in her direction, crowding her space, one finger raised in accusation, and Anya’s body reacted in reflex, hands going for Uhura’s shoulders, trying to push her off. But she didn’t even get that far. Her movements were stopped by something slamming into her. With a loud thud her head hit the next wall. Stars danced in front of her eyes as she tried to brace the fall with one arm, but then she felt a tight grip around her throat. With wide eyes she gasped for air, her hands groping the body that pushed her into the wall until her feet were dangling in the air.

Spock, she realised through tears of pain. His expression was almost stormy. He held her body up with only one hand and didn’t even budge at her panicked kicks or her flailing arms that were trying to get rid of his hand around her throat.

She couldn’t breathe or speak or swallow, saliva pooling in her mouth, blood starting to pound in her head and in her ears. Spock stared her down, not once blinking, merely holding her body up in blind fury.

She managed to stay conscious for another two seconds, then everything went black.

-

“Spock!”

Jim’s voice boomed through the corridor, accompanied by hurried footsteps, and those sounds combined made Spock come back down from his high of emotions.

As if he’d burned his right hand on her, he let go of Davies’ throat and watched silently how her limp body fell to the ground, where it stayed, unmoving.

“Spock”, he could hear Nyota breathe right next to him.

Then Jim pushed past him, crouching on the ground next to the woman Spock had just… hurt. Deliberately. Blinded by too many emotions for him to identify just yet.

“Someone comm Bones _now_!”, Jim yelled, and Spock recognised more footsteps around them now. He did not turn his head to investigate who else was with them. He stood rigidly; hands clamped into fists at his sides.

Davies was bleeding. Spock was unsure where the blood came from, but it did not matter. What mattered was that he had lost control. Immensely.

The Captain turned to look at him in blank horror, the usually soft lines around his mouth now hard and unyielding.

“Commander”, he snapped. “Retire to your quarters _immediately_. You do not have permission to leave unless I instruct you to do so. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Spock’s voice sounded like it was coming from someone else. He turned on his heels, leaving Davies, Jim and Nyota behind.

-

When Anya opened her eyes that night, Jim sighed a breath of relief.

She blinked against the bright white light, first confused, then more rapidly, moving one hand up to her head with a low groan.

“Welcome back”, Jim smiled and stepped closer to her bedside.

Her fingers slowly moved to her forehead and she hissed when her fingertips came close to the side of her head that was now shining in the brightest colours. Bones hadn’t even found it in himself to curse one specific Vulcan when he had seen Anya lay on the floor, blood pooling beneath her head.

Anya let her hand fall back to her side, wincing when the motion made her body move at a particularly painful angle. She stared up at Jim for a quiet moment.

“Please tell me that didn’t actually happen.” Her voice sounded hoarse and made Jim suddenly remember his First Officer’s hand around her throat and Anya hoisted up against a wall.

He pressed his lips tightly together. It had happened. How, he wasn’t quite sure himself.

“Oh, Jesus”, his friend groaned. “Fucking jealous Vulcans and their bloody suppressed emotions. Did you know they have a whole fucking course about Vulcan emotions and their millennia-long tactics of suppression at the Academy? I should’a known better, I fucking taught it! Fuck.”

Jim furrowed his eyebrows.

“You taught-“, he started, but then decided that now wasn’t the time. “You mean this whole thing happened because you were talking to Uhura?”, he asked in disbelief. One hand went up to his forehead.

“What? No, I don’t think your Commander jumped me because I was talking to _Uhura_.” She rolled her eyes at Jim. “I think he jumped me because we left the Club together last week.”

She slowly started to bring herself into an upright position, leaning on the one elbow that wasn’t in a sling. Jim jumped to help her, carefully placing a hand on her back.

“You mean on shore leave?”

“Uhura said something…”, Anya explained, the face twisted in pain now that she had managed to sit up. One hand went to her head again. “…about some rumours going around, about us.”

“What, like…”

“Hooking up”, Anya clarified. “Or being in a relationship, I don’t know. I didn’t ask her to specify.”

There was an irritated shadow overriding Jim’s features now. “God, I swear people are so bored in space, they’ll make a story out of everything!”

“Well, we didn’t exactly try to hide that we knew each other, did we? Plus, you _do_ have a reputation. I can see where they’re coming from.”

“Can you?” Jim laughed but it was a joyless laugh. “Cause last time I checked I was still Captain of this damn ship and my private life did not concern _any_ of my crew members! And we were nothing more than friends!”

“You know how people are, Jim”, Anya said, not sounding nearly as bothered as the blond man pacing the room now. “The thing I’m more worried about is my head right now. I knew Vulcans were stronger than humans, but I didn’t exactly need to experience that first-hand.”

All of a sudden, Jim turned to her, eyes wide in shock.

“Wait did you say-“

Anya lifted her eyebrows at him.

“Did you say Spock went all ‘emotionally compromised’ on you because of _me_?!”

At this, the woman on the medbed actually managed to snort a laugh.

“I’m pretty sure you played a significant role in his reasoning”, she huffed. “Although I imagine he must be pretty worked up about the whole ordeal. If he’s as emotionally mature as you, he won’t have reached a conclusion as to why he flipped yet anyway. Have you talked to him already? What time is it?”

“It’s almost 2100. You were knocked out for a good few hours. Spock’s in his quarters. He’s… grounded.”

“So you haven’t talked to him”, Anya said dismissively.

“No”, Jim said, sighing. “I wanted to wait for you to wake up first. To make sure you’re okay, but also because I know he’ll be pretty upset with himself and I wanted to be able to tell him… some good news.”

Anya’s gaze softened and Jim rolled his eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that”, he huffed, annoyed. “It’s still not a conversation I’m particularly looking forward to. Earlier, I was this close”, he held his thumb and forefinger mere inches apart, “to kicking his ass out into space.”

“Oh, come on.” Anya swung her legs off the bed, just to slam her nails into the slim mattress and grip tightly. Jim rushed to her side to steady her before she could go flying to the ground.

“Careful!”, he hissed. “I should probably let Bones know that…”

“I’m okay”, she interrupted him before he could finish the thought. “I’ll be fine, it’s probably just a concussion and some superficial bruises. What you really need to do is tell Spock that you love him, so that poor Vulcan won’t get overwhelmed by his own confusing emotions anymore.

Jim dropped his hand from her shoulder as if he had burned himself. He fixed his eyes on her for a second, then he took two steps back.

“You really think this happened because of me?”

“I’m aware that Spock’s overly protective of the people closest to him. Uhura was all up in my space earlier and I was about to push her away, but I wouldn’t have attacked her. I think Spock mistook me as a threat from the start. And because Vulcan’s are not very good with emotions, he might be projecting his jealousy. I _am_ a threat to him, I’m close to you, Jim, and he’s used to being your First. Your first everything. Commander, confidant, friend. Maybe even more than that. I think he’s confused by his own feelings. I haven’t had the chance for a proper evaluation yet, but I think his feelings for you run deep; deeper than he knows how to handle. So, his only logical solution is to remove the threat. He did that when we were boxing, and he did it again today when he saw me and Uhura. It’s likely happening unconsciously. But I think ultimately it comes down to you, Jim.”

Jim stared at her for a beat. His heart rate had suddenly picked up and he was glad that he was not the one currently hooked up to a bunch of monitors.

“You’ve really thought this through, haven’t you?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, _Captain_ , that’s my bloody job!”

“Well, look who’s back amongst the living!”

All of a sudden, Bones was there, swiftly taking up all the space in the small room, literally and figuratively. He didn’t pay any attention to Jim, who stood frozen in place in the middle of the room but went over to where Anya had sat up and checked the numbers and whatnot on the monitors. Jim couldn’t care less right now.

“So”, Bones exclaimed, standing before Anya and turning her head from left to right, carefully examining her head injury. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay, I guess. Bit of a headache”, the woman said, wincing when his fingers prodded the broken skin on her temple.

“ _Bit of a headache_?”, he repeated obnoxiously. “You should be glad it’s just a severe concussion! That damn Vulcan could’ve done way more harm than just this!” He gestured broadly to her upper body, then he threw a side glance at Jim. “Do I wanna know what you’re so broody about?”

“No”, Jim snapped. “I’m not broody. Just glad none of my crew members’ve killed each other yet.”

“Let it get that far and I’ll resign”, Bones muttered.

Jim bared his teeth at Bones’ back and started turning away from his friends to finger about with some of the medical equipment that was set up on a small table to his left.

“I sent Ethan a message by the way”, he dropped in a low voice, suspiciously eyeing a hypo he had picked up.

“What?” Anya and Bones both turned to him, Bones to see what exactly he played around with and taking it from him, and Anya to furrow her eyebrows and throw him a disapproving glance from where she still sat on the biobed.

Jim shrugged his shoulders. “I thought he should know.”

“He should know about what? A concussion and a bit of a bruised forehead?”, she deadpanned, narrowing his eyes at the Captain. “Are you seriously telling me that this is something you’d need to inform him about?”

“It’s not like I sent out a mass email, so calm down”, Jim replied. “He was glad I told him. Asked me to send him updates every few hours.”

“Oh, for fucks sake, I hope you didn’t do that”, Anya groaned, bringing her good hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose.

“Course I did”, Jim grinned. “Might’ve sent him a picture or two as well.”

“You did not.” Anya lowered her hand, eyeing Jim dangerously.

“Nah”, Jim laughed. “But I could’ve.”

“He’s already a pain in the arse about this”, Anya said, screwing up her face. “The last thing we need is the Admiralty asking questions.”

“I thought you were flying low?”, Bones asked, confused, barely lifting his head while he made some notes on a PADD.

“Well, yeah”, Anya sighed. “But with him in this position, they check every single detail twice.”

“Are they keeping an eye on him? I thought he was doing fine?” Jim turned fully to her.

“He is”, she explained. “More than fine, actually. He’s brilliant. That’s why they need to stay clear of any scandals. Can’t afford another drop of blood on their hands. They’re damn careful now. I’m pretty sure they’re monitoring every single course of communication going in and out.”

Jim drew in air through gritted teeth. “Sounds like a lot of bureaucracy.”

“Probably. It’s a nightmare”, she said and rolled her eyes at him. “And now thanks to you I have to explain to him how this happened.” She gestured to her face and her throat.

“Hey, I was just trying to help”, Jim said, holding his hands up in surrender. “If my partner were hurt on a mission and I was on the other side of the universe, I’d like to know!”

“Well, thank _god_ I wasn’t on a mission, and thank _god_ you’re love interest is not on the opposite side of the universe, but on this very ship!”, Anya deadpanned.

Bones snorted, throwing Jim a knowing glance.

“There are no sides to the universe”, Jim corrected snarkily, throwing Anya his most charming grin and batting his eyelashes.

She grabbed the pillow to her right with her good arm and lifted it up in a threatening gesture.

“Go fucking talk to Spock, you man-child!”, she all but yelled. “And do not come back until you’ve confessed your love to him!”

+1.

It took Jim solid five minutes of awkwardly hovering in front of Spock’s personal quarters to finally punch in the code and make the door swish open with an airy sound.

When he entered, hands clasped behind his back, Spock smoothly rose from his meditation mat on the ground.

“Captain”, was all he said, and Jim noticed that he hadn’t even bothered changing out of his uniform and into his robes before meditating.

“Spock.” Jim came to a halt in the middle of the room. In the dimmed light, Spock’s eyes looked dark and stormy, even though he would deny feeling a single emotion if Jim were to mention it. Spock’s body was so tense, Jim wasn’t sure he wouldn’t snap while moving a muscle.

“Captain, I…”, Spock started, when Jim just stared at him. “I would like to convey my deepest regrets to Lieutenant Commander Davies.”

“What happened, Spock?”

“I let my control slip and for that I feel nothing but regret. I would like to offer her my deepest apologies for my actions in person. It was not my intention to… hurt her.”

“And yet you did. You knocked her out cold and that only ever happened once, and I know that, Spock, because it was _me_ last time. And I know exactly how I pushed your buttons to make you snap. So I wanna know. Tell me what she did to make you snap.”

Spock blinked at him, seemingly at a loss for words. Jim gave him a few moments. He didn’t know why but he was less worried about Anya and more worried about Spock. Vulcans were peaceful. Spock had never harmed a fly, let alone slammed one of his officers into the nearest wall. Something was wrong and he would get to the bottom of this.

“I observed a scenario between Lieutenant Commander Davies and Lieutenant Uhura, which I interpreted as potentially dangerous, and I chose to intervene. I misjudged my own strength and I deeply regret-“

“You _misjudged_ your own strength?”, Jim snapped, not irritated by what Spock was saying, but by his Commander’s obvious attempt to fool him with a blatant lie. “What the- Spock, not once have you failed to remind me of your Vulcan strength when we were sparing in the gym! Not _once_! And now you wanna tell me you _forgot_?”

Jim felt anger bubble beneath his skin, ready to spill out. So much for ‘Vulcans don’t lie'.

“I must admit that I have yet to gain full recollection of the exact order of events in the tunnels, therefore I cannot give you a more… satisfactory answer to your question, Captain.”

“Are you saying that you can’t remember what happened, Spock?”

Spock inclined his head minimally, but Jim noticed nonetheless. Of course Jim noticed. He noticed everything about Spock, every little detail, every damn hair that was out of place at all damn times. Sometimes it was a gift. In times like this, when Spock was… emotionally compromised, hiding behind his Vulcan parts, the ones that Spock thought didn’t let any emotions on. It wasn’t so much a gift when Spock had made out with Uhura in the turbolifts again and was fixing his uniform before stepping onto the Bridge.

“I am experiencing somewhat troubling emotions that I cannot enumerate at this point in time, Captain.”

Jim stared at him with blank irritation. Anya’s words came rushing back _. I think he’s confused by his own feelings. I haven’t had the chance for a proper evaluation yet, but I think his feelings for you run deep; deeper than he knows how to handle._

“ _Spock_ ”, he rasped, not sure how to say what he wanted to say.

Spock’s hands were still clasped behind his back and there was so much tension in his shoulders that all Jim wanted to do was run his hands over the tight muscles until they’d give in beneath his fingers. He wanted to kiss the skin, bite it, lick it, _Gods_ … He wanted Spock.

He didn’t say any of that out loud. Instead, what left his mouth was: “It’s not for me to determine whether you’re fit for duty or not. I know you haven’t had your latest psych evaluation yet and given the fact that you knocked our psychologist out cold, I’ll have you see Bones tomorrow. It’s gonna be down to him to decide if you’re good to go or not. Understood?”

“Affirmative, Captain.”

Jim nodded once. He was very close to just turning around and leaving Spock’s quarters.

“Why didn’t you go see Anya for your evaluation, Spock? She’s had the whole crew down there already. Told me it was just you and Uhura left.”

He trained his eyes on his First Officer, but Spock’s face stayed as blank and unrevealing as ever.

“Vulcan minds do not function in the same way human minds do. We do not engage in Terran customs such as therapy. We sort our minds with the help of sufficient meditation, Captain. I do not believe seeing Commander Lieutenant… Doctor Davies would be of any use for me.”

“Your psych evaluation is mandatory, Spock”, Jim lowered his eyes at the man in front of him, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I’ll save us the time quoting the regulations. You know them by heart. That’s why I asked.” And then: “And judging by your behaviour today, your _human_ side would definitely benefit from a little therapy every now and then!”

Spock shifted his weight, a minimal sign that he wasn’t as indifferent as he appeared to be.

“I do _not_ require therapy.”

Jim snorted at his clipped tone.

“What, are you saying discussing your feelings with a doctor _– the human way –_ for the sake of maximum efficiency is below you?” Jim was purposely mocking him, spiking his words with venom and hoping it would make Spock finally snap out of his rigidity.

“Do not twist the meaning of my words, Jim”, Spock warned coolly. “I merely do not wish to partake in a human custom that goes against my very nature.”

“Discussing your feelings goes against your nature?!” Jim was actually taken aback by the words. It felt like Spock was deliberately trying to be difficult, again acting like he’d just learnt about human customs and not lived this way for years. He was hiding behind his Vulcan side, and Jim knew it, and it drove him crazy beyond words because _hadn’t they just gotten so good at working together?!_

“You’ve gone to psych evaluations before!”, Jim raised one hand accusingly. “Before Anya, Bones and Chapel were the ones to do it. Bones would’ve never let you miss that. You’ve done it before, Spock, so don’t give me this Vulcan crap now.”

“I regard Dr McCoy very highly and respect him enough to let him fill out a form on his PADD and tick twenty-three boxes while giving calculated answers.”

Jim stared at him, trying to figure out if Spock had seriously cheated all his previous psych evaluations. “Well, after today even the last person on this ship is aware that you don’t respect Anya. You didn’t have to slam her head in for that, Spock”, he deadpanned.

Spock regarded him with an analytical expression, dark eyes roaming his face intently before he inclined his head once again. Jim shivered at the intense gaze.

“Captain, I apologise for any pain that I may have caused you by attacking your mate.”

Jim full on choked at Spock’s words.

“My… My _what_ now?"

“Apologies Captain, it is Vulcan custom to refer to the person one has an intimate relationship with as mate. I believe the appropriate comparable human terminology would be boyfriend or girlfriend.”

“Why _the hell_ would you…” Jim stared at Spock and couldn’t decide if he wanted to throttle the life out or kiss some sense _into_ him. “Why would you refer to Anya as my _mate_?”, he asked, confusion written all over his face. “I’d have thought you to be smarter than to fall for those stupid rumours.”

“To which rumour are you referring, Captain?”

“There’s more than one?!”

Spock hesitated, now looking at Jim like he was talking to a child. “I am still unsure what rumour it is you are talking about.”

“The one that’s saying that Anya and I are an item”, Jim huffed. “Obviously! The one that _your_ girlfriend is spreading about like it’s fucking candy!”

“I do not understand”, Spock said slowly. “I did not observe any crew member thinking you and Lieutenant Commander Davies were not two entirely separate people. And if I may correct you once more, Captain – as of approximately forty-six minutes ago, Lieutenant Uhura and I have terminated our relationship and she is therefore no longer my… girlfriend.”

Jim stared, blinking at Spock with a mix of shock and disbelief on his face. His heart gave a painful thud before it squeezed tightly and started racing in his chest.

“You broke up with Uhura?”, he asked after a moment of stunned silence.

“We both agreed that it would be best to limit our relationship to be platonic. Lieutenant Uhura admitted to a lack of romantic feelings towards me, and I confessed this to be a mutual feeling. I still value her friendship greatly.”

Jim couldn’t help himself.

“You broke up with Uhura”, he croaked, his cheeks heating up at the thought of Spock _not being in a relationship anymore_. Spock had been with Uhura ever since Jim had met him that very first time during his hearing. Spock’s relationship with Uhura had been the only thing keeping Jim from seriously pining after his First Officer. The only thing from going absolutely crazy with _want_.

“I believe that is what I just said, Captain”, Spock remarked.

“Because you…”, Jim’s voice broke and he cleared his throat, cheeks burning with embarrassment and sudden desire. “Because you don’t – Then why did you freak out when An was talking to Uhura earlier? Spock, I’m so lost here, what…”

Spock made a step towards him, careful to approach him.

“Jim”, he said, “you seem upset. If you are worried about mine or Nyota’s ability to function to our full efficiency, I assure you that our prior relationship will in no way pose a problem to our professionalism.”

“What?”, made Jim.

Spock regarded him with alert eyes.

“Jim, are you well?”

“Are _you_?”, Jim yelped, all of a sudden overcome by panic. “I’m not worried about _your_ _ability to perform_. I know you, Spock, I’m used to you turning your feelings on and off just as you please. What I’m worried about is the fact that you’re breaking up with your girlfriend and throwing people around the hallways!”

Jim admitted it wasn’t his finest moment. He was very much not acting like a Starfleet captain at the moment. But he was also absolutely lost and had no idea how he’d gotten here.

“I do not understand why you are concerned about my well-being, Captain. I assure you I am in an acceptable state of mind. You on the other hand…”

“Why’d you break up with Uhura today of all days, Spock?”, Jim interrupted. “Had it something to do with what happened earlier?”

Spock paused for a second, his shoulders slightly twitching with tension. Jim raised his eyebrows at the minimal movement. Spock _never_ let his inner state show.

“Lieutenant Uhura came to check on me fifty-nine minutes ago. She was understandably compromised by my behaviour and made me aware that she did not deem it justified. She then proceeded to explain that she did not want me to feel obliged to act in her favour just because of our romantic involvement. I tried to assure her that that had not been the case, but she seemed quite convinced, which was why I informed her of my… emotional state. She then commenced the final termination of our romantic involvement.”

Jim couldn’t help but stare at Spock in horror.

“Are you saying that you didn’t attack Anya because of Uhura?”

“Lieutenant Commander Davies’ heated exchange with Lieutenant Uhura was not the sole reason for the overwhelming display of my inner state, no.”

“Then _what was it?_ ”

“I must admit that I am missing a complete answer to that question, Captain. All I know is that Lieutenant Commander Davies posed a threat to my most basic instincts and as that she had to immediately be removed. It is a source of great shame and dishonour for a Vulcan to be reduced to their lowest, most basic instincts. It is one part of Vulcan biology that is not to be discussed openly. And it does not fuse well with my… human biology.”

“You mean with your emotions, Spock”, Jim deadpanned. “Your human side that _feels_ things. Like anger.”

Spock pursed his lips minimally.

“Yes, Jim”, he said quietly. “It does not mix well with the confusing emotions that I have been experiencing for a while now.”

“For a while? How very unspecific.”

“For approximately 152 days, 9 hours and 37 minutes standard time.”

“What?”, Jim gasped. “152 days? Why didn’t you say anything?!”

“I did not deem it necessary as my emotional state did not interfere with my ability to perform my duties as your First Officer, Captain. My efficiency did not decrease, and I merely increased my meditation times by three standard hours per day.”

“Still, Spock, damn it! I wanna know about it whenever you’re feeling off or when there’s something troubling you! Not just as your Captain, but also as your… friend!”

Spock inclined his head, now staring at Jim’s black boots.

“Captain, even though I appreciate your concern it is illogical to disturb and potentially worry you with things that do not directly concern the ship or my duties as First Officer.”

“It _does_ concern me _and_ your job when you’re going off the rails, Spock!”, Jim exclaimed, slowly getting angrier and angrier at this bloody Vulcan. “Like today for example, when your emotions got the better of you and you threw an important member of my crew down the hall right into medbay!”

“I did not-“

“Metaphorically speaking, Spock!”

Spock pressed his lips together and fell silent. The only thing that could be heard was Jim’s laboured breaths and some muffled footsteps outside in the corridors.

“So, what happened 152 days ago to make you this…”, Jim broadly gestured over to where Spock stood rigidly and very still. “emotionally compromised.”

But the man in front of him didn’t say a word. And Jim was sure he was avoiding lifting his eyes to meet his. That’s what made Jim furrow his forehead perplexed. All of this was so completely unalike Spock that Jim wasn’t sure how to proceed. He wanted to know what was going on, but he wasn’t sure he could handle it.

“152 days?”, he asked, bewildered. “That’s like… what? 4 months ago? 5?”

“4.9 months”, Spock clarified hesitantly.

Jim tried to think. Had anything significant happened back then? He doubted it. They’d barely had any incidents since returning back to their mission. They’d been forced to stay Earth-side for a while and had… They’d returned to the ship about five months ago. Spock had been feeling like this ever since coming back onto the _Enterprise_. Didn’t he want to be here? Maybe Jim had misread him completely all this time. Maybe Spock hated his job and had been too _efficient_ to actually tell him. Maybe Spock despised him and the fact that they had to be in space together for another few years before they’d finally return back to Earth for good. Maybe Spock had gotten a better offer during their forced stay on Earth and had been too polite to resign his duties on the ship. Maybe…

“Jim?” Spock’s controlled voice made him break out of the horror scenarios his mind had forced upon him, and with obvious horror in his eyes, he cleared his throat and lifted his gaze.

Spock regarded him with a careful expression.

“Are you well?”, he asked, for the second time tonight, and Jim wanted to tell him No. He wasn’t well. He felt sick. His stomach was churning, and his heart was racing, and he hated the thought of Spock not wanting to be here. At his side. On the _Enterprise_.

“Do you have any… regrets?”, he asked with a croaked voice, unsure of how to voice all of the repulsive thoughts in his head.

“Regrets?”, Spock asked.

“Yeah, do you… do you regret being here?”

Spock’s eyebrows lifted in obvious confusion.

“I do not understand what you are asking, Jim.”

“Did you not want to come back? Did you regret having to come back as my First Officer?”, Jim clarified and this time he avoided Spock’s eyes because he was too embarrassed at the mere thought of that being the case. He felt like he had failed Spock. The best Second in Command there was. The one Pike had chosen to work with.

“Jim.” Spock’s voice was gentle and when Jim heard footsteps, he quickly lifted his gaze. Spock had come closer, standing mere inches away from him now. His eyes were dark and intense. “It is with the greatest honour that I am serving on the Enterprise under your captaincy. I can assure you that I do not regret any of my decisions leading up to this.”

Jim’s throat felt incredibly dry all of a sudden. All he could do was nod and try to swallow around the lump in his throat.

“Then what is it?”, he asked, and he hated how his voice sounded. Weak and lost. “I don’t get it, Spock. What had you so disconcerted if it wasn’t your job? Did anything happen? Anything down in the labs? Was there a problem with any of the crew mem-“

Jim fell silent. He was a fucking idiot. Could it really be? He’d be damned if she’d been right all along.

“Was it because Anya came on board?”, he asked, forcing his voice steady. “Five months ago? Was that what set you off?”

Jim could see Spock’s eyes darken even further, his pupils dilating.

“Are you _jealous_ , Spock?”

He saw Spock’s mouth open, then close again, without a sound. He looked as drawn and uptight as ever, but Jim knew the subtle differences by now, the changes in his posture and his features. Spock had gone rather pale, the tips of his Vulcan ears turning slightly green, and once again he opened his mouth just to snap it shut again.

Jim’s eyes went wide.

“You _are_?” It probably would’ve been nicer of him to at least try to hide his obvious surprise but there was just no way _in hell._ “Why are yo- _Spock, why?”_

Gods, he was not doing a very good job at handling this, Jim thought. Spock seemed to agree with him. The Vulcan took a few rigid steps back to bring some distance between them.

“I believe you are mistaken, Captain”, he replied curtly. “I have the utmost respect for Lieutenant Commander Davies. Her academic achievements and her high rank in Starfleet make her a very suitable addition to the crew. Since her arrival, crew morality, efficiency and mental stability have overall increased by twenty-six per cent across all departments.”

Jim’s eyebrows rose. He had actually not known that. He made a mental note to talk to Anya about that later.

“Right”, he said, eyeing Spock carefully. “But we’ve just been over this. _Your_ mental stability has apparently decreased since her arrival and I’d like to know why.”

Spock pressed his lips together tightly and furrowed his eyebrows. Jim couldn’t read him anymore. Spock seemed to have pulled up all his shields, keeping Jim out with the greatest effort. Jim’s heart clenched painfully. He wanted to comfort him so badly, but even if Spock wouldn’t have been a touch telepath, Jim wouldn’t have been brave enough to approach him right now.

“Jealousy is an illogical emotion.”

Jim groaned.

“And yet here we are!”, he hissed, lifting his arms up in a wide gesture.

“Jim”, Spock addressed him and sounded as formal as he did whenever he called him Captain. “Despite the fact that jealousy is entirely illogical, I seem to have been experiencing this particular emotion rather frequently over the past 152 days without being aware of it. I wish to retire immediately in order to meditate.”

“No”, Jim said, surprised by the steadiness of his voice. “We’ll talk about this now, Spock. Why are you jealous of Anya? Tell me.” He didn’t know what else to do other than push for it. He didn’t dare hope.

“Captain-“

“No, Spock”, he interrupted, and Spock stiffened, shoulders rigid and arms pressed tightly to his sides. “I’m sorry, I won’t let you. We’ll talk about this now. That’s an order.”

“Very well.” Spock pressed his lips into a flat line, his eyebrows scrunching together. “If you wish.”

But he remained silent.

Jim stared at him in disbelief. This fucking stubborn, passive-aggressive Vulcan! Jim had no idea why his fucked up brain had to choose this one _out of all the other options_ for him to fall for. This stupid, brilliant, stubborn Vulcan that made Jim feel all kinds of things.

He suppressed the urge to scream in Spock’s face. Just a loud, high-pitched scream directly in his blank face, to relieve some of the tension. But before he could stoop that low, he straightened his back.

“Explain, Commander”, he ordered.

Spock regarded him with an expression that could have been called deadly if Spock were just human.

“As I attempted to explain to you several times, Captain”, he said, his voice as cold as ice, “I was not aware of the presence of said emotion, nor am I aware of its origin. Meditation would presumably help me detect the latter.”

“Is it because I recruited a new science officer without your knowledge?”, Jim asked, brisking over Spock’s request to meditate once again.

“Negative”, Spock replied and now his voice did sound strained. “I do not wish to keep repeating my previous statements, Captain. Lieutenant Commander Davies’ academic achievements and her high rank in Starfleet make her a suitable addition to the crew. Since her arrival, crew morality, effi-“

Jim stopped him right there.

“Is it because she’s my friend?” And when he was met with airy silence and frowning eyes, he added: “Are you jealous of Anya because she’s my friend?”

“Captain, the maintenance of social relationships of any kind is indispensable. Not just to humans, the connection with others of one’s kind provides emotional support and encouragement in difficult times. Scientifically, it has been proven that by engaging with others on a regular basis, self-esteem, empathy, mental wellness and happiness significantly increase. Moreover, social relationships indicate an increased likelihood of survival in space by 68.47%. I might be Vulcan, Captain, but to wish for your loneliness and social detachment would be cruel and most inefficient. I am not jealous of your platonic relationships as they are crucial to your survival, which in turn is most necessary for the conclusion of our 5-year mission.”

Jim stared at him, trying to decipher what Spock had just thrown at him. How could Spock not _get_ _it_? How was he standing there, with his stupid Vulcan hands clasped behind his stupid Vulcan back and act like he had no idea what Jim was talking about? Maybe his ultimate plan was to drive Jim insane and make him jump off into space.

He was getting really fucking frustrated and he wanted Spock to know, but apparently, he’d already caught on. Before Jim could say anything, he spoke once more.

“However, if you are referring to Lieutenant Commander Davies as your friend, implying that you also engage in regular coitus and maintaining an interpersonal relationship alongside your duties on the ship, then yes, I can confirm that this seems to have taken me by surprise and has caused an unexpected upheaval of emotions that I have yet to deal with. I wish to apologise for any discomfort or embarrassment I may have caused you with this statement, Captain.”

Jim couldn’t _fucking_ believe it. He stared at his First Officer, forcing himself to keep his expression carefully neutral. What he didn’t need right now was to scare Spock off by seeming overly… excited.

“No”, he said, all of a sudden breathless. “Don’t apologise.”

“Jim-“

“No, I mean… It’s a rumour, Spock! Anya and I are not dating or… having sex.” He shuddered at the thought. “Never have been and never will be. She’s… She’s married actually.”

Spock’s eyebrows shot up in confusion.

“I recall that her files clearly stated her to be unmarried.”

“You… looked her up?”, Jim asked, but then he huffed a breath. “Of course you did. Well, it’s not in the files. It’s disclosed information. She’s married to a very highly ranked Admiral in the ‘Fleet. He’s part of the Command Council in London. They’re very careful right now. Don’t want any more blood on their hands after everything that happened over there. That was part of the reason why An joined the ‘Fleet in San Francisco. Everyone over there is being heavily monitored. Communication internal and external, every officer, every cadet. Apparently, they’re expecting another attack.”

Jim wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, or if Spock actually looked a little less tense in the shoulders.

“I… was not aware of that.”

“Well, no”, Jim chuckled airily. “You weren’t supposed to be.”

“Jim, I apologise for-“, Spock tried, but Jim held up a hand and made Spock’s mouth snap shut again.

“Stop apologising”, he said, almost desperately. “The point is: I’m not with Anya, okay? Those were rumours, Spock. False rumours, at that. So… No need to be jealous.”

And now Jim was sure that he could see the tension leave Spock’s body with every breath that the Vulcan took. Slowly but steadily his posture changed from stiff and taut to almost lax, the hardness edging on his face smoothened into something clearer, something so familiar that Jim’s heart gave a painful thud.

Spock inclined his head minimally.

“Jim-“

“Spock, listen-“

They had started at the same time and Jim flinched as they both ceased speaking, waiting for the other to pick up the word. Spock’s eyes laid upon him, dark Vulcan eyes hinting at such depth and wisdom Jim knew was hidden underneath the hard exterior. He wanted to touch, badly, wanted to give himself to Spock and allow his shields to fall, he wanted to be where he felt the safest he’d ever felt, next to Spock, with him, underneath him, in his arms.

“I’m taking a leap here, Spock, but I need you to know that… I like you. A lot. I like you a lot.”

It wasn’t what he had wanted to say, not really. _Like_ didn’t even remotely cover the intensity of his feelings when it came to Spock. But he was scared and Spock had just broken up with Uhura and all of this was new territory.

“I am aware.”

“Listen, I-“ Jim was already half-way through carefully phrasing an apology when he abruptly stopped. “What?”

“I am aware of your affection towards me, Jim. And I reciprocate it in similar fashion.”

Jim stared at Spock in disbelief, heart racing. He felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. How long had Spock known and just not said anything? Who else knew? Was he _that obvious?_

“I…”

Jim didn’t know what to say. He felt all kinds of things in this very moment, but the most prominent one was hot anger building up in his stomach and slowly spreading through his limbs. He scrunched up his eyebrows and crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively. Spock seemed to observe him calmly.

“How long have you known?”, Jim hissed. He didn’t want to yell; he didn’t want to let the anger take over because he knew that this was his brain deflecting his feelings into something more manageable.

“I do not recall a specific moment in time, Jim. The mutual affection has been proportionally increasing ever since you became Captain of the _Enterprise_ and I chose to become your First Officer. I believe it became stronger with every minute we have spent in each other’s company, professionally and privately.”

 _Professionally and privately?!_ That didn’t even come _close_ to the hours they had spent together, playing chess, sparing in the gym, _fucking lunch dates_ ; every mission they had been on together, all the encounters on and off ship, shore leaves; Jim had met Spock’s father, had seen his mother die, he had shared his most private memories of his childhood with Spock, had even opened up about fucking Tarsus to him and this was all he got?!

“So all this time you fucking knew I was in love with you and you didn’t say anything?”

He didn’t even know what made him so angry. But for some reason he was furious. Blinded by his own rage, Jim missed Spock’s eyebrows shooting up in confusion. The Vulcan fixed his eyes on Jim, who was breathing heavily, his mouth opening slightly.

“You are in love with me, Jim?”, he asked, his voice deeper than mere moments before.

Jim’s eyes snapped up when the sudden realisation hit him. Spock hadn’t known. He had simply referred to their friendship. To their very platonic, very non-romantic friendship. He had not _known_ and now… Jim had majorly fucked up. His ears were ringing and there was so much pressure on his chest that he thought it might just burst. And he’d definitely prefer that over whatever was inevitably following now.

Jim turned on his heels. It was stupid and childish, but it’s what he was good at. Running. He’d done it all his life, now one more time didn’t matter. But the ground certainly wouldn’t swallow him, and Spock and hid eidetic memory would certainly not forget his confession, so running it was.

He was almost at the door when he felt a strong grip around his elbow, and he was stopped and turned with such force that Jim stumbled a little. It took a second for him to regain his balance.

“Jim, do not run. I asked you to clarify your words. Are you truly in love with me?”

“I just said, didn’t I?”, spat Jim, refusing to look up at Spock. He struggled against the forceful grip around his arm, but Spock didn’t budge. Straight as an arrow he stood before Jim, and all the tension had returned, making him seem ready to snap any second.

Maybe Jim would prefer that, too. Spock’s hand around his throat again. Back then, when Spock had almost killed him on the Bridge, he had been overpowered by emotions, and not just his own. He had felt a glimpse of Spocks’ too, the agony after his mother’s death, the pain, the pure fury at Jim and his arrogance, at his audacity to even think about questioning his authority in such a derisive way. And Jim had enjoyed it. Apart from the pain, a small part of him had basked in the attention Spock had given him in that moment, the way his hands had been on his body in such an intimate way, debating whether to let him live or die. But even in the eye of pure Vulcan fury, Jim had still been confident that Spock and he would be okay in the end. Now, he wasn’t too sure about that.

“Let me go, Spock”, he said, trying to tug out of Spock’s grip once more. But again, the Vulcan didn’t budge.

“Jim, I do not wish to let you go. In fact, I wish to never let you go again.”

Jim’s head snapped upwards, eyes locking with Spock’s. He searched for a glint of amusement, a glimmer of something like Vulcan humour, but all he could find was dark seriousness paired with something he couldn’t quite place.

“I must admit that I was not entirely truthful about the termination of mine and Nyota’s relationship”, Spock said, and his voice was low and quiet. Jim swallowed, heart racing in his chest. “Lieutenant Uhura did come to check on me, she also informed me that she did not want me to feel obliged to act in her favour because of our romantic involvement. I assured her that that was not the case and chose to inform her of my disconcerting emotional state, but she had already come to similar conclusions as you did, Jim, and admitted to having known for several months. When I questioned her decision to remain in an intimate relationship with me, she confessed to wanting to protect me from… harmful emotions such as rejection. She meant well. I still regard her friendship highly.”

Jim graciously ignored the fact that Uhura had basically cockblocked him for months.

“You lied to me, Spock?”, he breathed instead, and all of a sudden it was so easy to let the corners of his mouth slip up into an amused smile. “I thought Vulcans didn’t lie?”

“I merely chose to withhold information that I deemed of no importance to you, Jim. I was not aware of your feelings towards me. Vulcans do in fact not lie.”

Jim swore that there was a hint of a smile in his eyes.

“Actually”, Jim swallowed, “I’d say you withheld the most important bit of information, Spock.”

The Vulcan fixed his dark eyes on him so intensely that Jim completely forgot everything he was and everything he ever had been.

“As I said, I was not aware of your reciprocation of my feelings for you, Jim. I have longed for you ever since I first laid my hands on you. I merely was not familiar with the intensity of such feelings, not even from my link with Nyota. I did not wish to hurt anyone, and I feel deep shame and regret for entangling not only her but you and Lieutenant Commander Davies in this disarray.”

“Well”, Jim could barely hold back from flinging himself at Spock. “We got there in the end, didn’t we?”

“Yes”, Spock said, voice as dark as his gaze. “We did. If you are amenable, I would like to kiss you now, Jim.”

“Vulcan or human style?”

“Both.”

And with that, Spock leaned in and pressed his lips firmly to Jim’s. Jim had barely time to register what was happening when he felt hands entangling with this own, fingers brushing against his in a strangely intimate way. He felt emotions rush through him, wasn’t sure if those were his, or Spock’s, or maybe it was both of them. Jim didn’t care. He concentrated on the firm lips so gentle on his own, extracting more than one airy whimper from him.

When he felt Spock slowly retract, Jim freed one of his hands and guided it up to Spock’s neck. He brushed through silky hair, bringing Spock’s head back down to his, pressing his mouth back to his with a gentle moan.

He was in heaven.

Spock tasted spicy and sweet and like _home_ , he tasted like Jim had imagined in his soppy daydreams and still so much better. His kiss was so familiar, so strong and warm and Jim could feel himself going pliant, falling against Spock’s firm body and found himself immediately engulfed in a tight embrace, pressed to the Vulcan’s front.

When they finally managed to break apart, Jim was out of breath. His cheeks were warm, and his heart was not racing anymore because he felt like he had come home, and Spock’s eyes were glinting with satisfaction and reassurance, and Jim saw his whole future in those dark eyes, hope and promises and _love_ so deep that he was sure he’d never need anything other than Spock anymore.

And then Spock made a satisfied purring sound and lowered his head to the crook of his neck to press lingering kisses into hot skin, cooling it with his tongue, sharp teeth carefully nibbling.

Jim felt it rush to his head, then south. He couldn’t believe his luck. An hour ago, he would’ve bet his ship that Spock was never going to feel the same way about him, ever. And now… He couldn’t believe Anya had been right this whole time.

Apropos Anya.

“You’re still going to your psych evaluation though”, he said with a grin. “No way I’m gonna let you get out of that one.”

“As you wish, Jim”, Spock murmured into his skin, not letting himself be distracted. His arms were tightly wrapped around his body, and Jim followed one arm with his hand, sneaking it in between his body and Spock’s hand so that their open palms were touching. He could hear Spock hiss a breath into his neck, before his arms tightened around him, bringing him even closer to the Vulcan.

Jim smirked. He knew some stuff about Vulcan anatomy. Especially Vulcan hands.

“Jim”, Spock rumbled, voice oh so deep, his breath now right next to Jim’s ear. _“T’hy’la.”_

Jim fastened his grip around the other, all of a sudden overcome by a wave of emotions. Love, possessiveness, trust, affection, adoration, devotion, yearning, lust, love; so much love. So much warmth. It was almost overwhelming.

Jim knew at that moment, without actually knowing, what the word meant. What he wanted it to mean. He wanted Spock to repeat it over and over and over again, breathe it into his skin, he wanted to be surrounded by it; he wanted to be surrounded by Spock.

 _“T’hy’la, T’hy’la, T’hy’la”,_ Spock repeated, as if he’d heard Jim’s thoughts, as if he was inside his head. “You are _T’hy’la.”_

Jim just nodded, not wanting to take this moment away by talking. He felt like he was floating, basking in this high of emotions, never wanting it to end.

“Jim, I wish to bond with you”, Spock murmured, nuzzling into his cheek with his nose.

Jim laughed.

“What, now?” He was obviously joking, although he was quite curious what Spock meant by that.

“That would be most desirable”, Spock said in that low voice, and for a moment Jim wasn’t quite sure if he was serious or not. “But no, Jim, not right now. It would be unacceptable to initiate such a mind-meld without your explicit consent. I would like to bond with you if you wish to do so after gathering sufficient information about the matter to give informed consent.”

Jim stilled the hand that had crept up to Spock’s neck to entangle itself in the silky hair. Spock’s serious answer was pretty sobering.

“It is nothing we have to discuss now, or soon. I apologise, my desire for you is presenting itself in overpowering enthusiasm. Do not concern your mind with it, _T’hy’la.”_

“No, don’t apologise”, Jim laughed, not wanting Spock to think he’d moved too fast too soon. Jim _wanted_ this. All of it. “We will talk about it. You can explain to me what it means in your culture. I’m happy with anything you’ll give me, Spock”, he confessed, quite surprised by his earnest answer. “I want you.”

“As I want you.”

Jim closed his eyes at the words, a big smile tugging at his lips. He was about to say something, when all of a sudden, his comm went off in his pocket. He flinched at the unwelcome sound, and Spock’s arms immediately tightened protectively around him. Jim placed a soothing hand on Spock’s chest, while he fumbled the comm out of his pocket with the other.

“It’s Bones”, he sighed, without any indication of wanting to answer it.

Spock straightened his back and took half a step back, his hands still lingering on Jim’s body.

“I still wish to see Lieutenant Commander Davies”, he said, now sounding a little more Vulcan. “To convey my deepest apologies.” Then: “Is she alright, Jim?”

Jim’s gaze softened as Spock’s eyes flickered with suppressed worry, a minimal frown visible on his forehead.

“Yeah, she’s alright”, Jim assured him. “Sorry, I should’ve told you sooner. She woke up before I came here. Got a concussion and some bruises, but she’ll live.”

Spock visibly flinched at his words.

“Don’t worry”, Jim rushed to say. “She’s got a soft spot for you, Spock. She understands.”

At that, Spock’s eyebrows rose in familiar fashion. Jim just laughed.

“You seem to keep forgetting that she’s an actual doctor, Spock. I don’t think she needs you to show up for your psych check-up to read you. Probably tells her even more that you didn’t show up.”

“I did not forget about Doctor Davies’ profession, Jim.” Spock’s face went blank again, but there was an amused glint in his eyes. “But I seem to have resolved most of my internal disturbances by confessing my feelings for you, which will make the doctor’s psychoanalysis unnecessary.”

“Oh, you’re _so_ going to see Anya”, Jim teased him with a bright grin. “No way I’m gonna miss that. She’s going to _grill_ you.”

“Cannibalism?”, Spock asked, mildly impressed, one eyebrow lifted. “Interesting.”

Jim snorted.

“What did you mean by ‘most’, by the way? Most of your internal disturbances?”, he asked. “Anything else we need to talk about?”

At his words, Spock’s eyes darkened noticeably.

“I do not believe we will be talking a great deal while resolving the remainder of my emotional upheaval”, he hummed, and that sound alone made a shiver run down Jim’s spine.

“Let’s go”, he said, grabbing Spock by the arm and turning towards the door. “Let’s get this over with so I can play with your hands some more.”

Spock rightfully growled at that.


End file.
